I really AM the worst.

In a previous post, I wrote about how the tongue never strays from what the mind is thinking or heart is feeling. As I have thought about that, I have realized that I often try to justify my ugliness by my "feelings" or by other people's wrongs against me. (As I tell my students, "no one makes you do anything...you choose it"....I choose anger, malice and pride.)

I have been consistently hurt by the way a friend of mine has seemingly neglected our friendship recently. (She doesn't read this blog, so none of you be worried :) After not really saying anything (Hence the reason I am reading books on confrontation!) I have allowed bitterness and insecurities to build against her- keeping a "record of wrongs" (1 Cor. 13:5) which is not loving her well.

Well...the other day....she was asking me to help her with a few small things...things that I would be GLAD to do for anyone else. After a few requests, I said (in a seemingly sarcastic, yet totally truthful way), "Can I do anything else for you Want me to go into the kitchen and whip you up something, too?" I, OF COURSE, said these things with a Southern smile...so as to cover my ugliness with a hint of a joke. She did not laugh. She did not smile. She just, calmly, said, "Never mind. No big deal" and walked away.

UGH. I immediately started to think, "Oh great, now she is going to tell other people that I was a jerk...." Well? I was. And...I am. If she were to talk about me that way, I would not only deserve it, I would hope that it would make my need for Christ all the more magnified.

I wrote her an email apologizing. In the first draft, I said, "In an effort to make a joke, I was rude......" which I deleted. I was not joking. I was being honest. In the second email I wrote, "I was really stressed out that day, so....." which I deleted because there is no excuse for me. Finally I just wrote, "Forgive me for being so rude. I should have been kinder to you and I was wrong."

I remembered, through this, how sweet God's forgiveness and grace feel.